Despite what my rational mind and therapist say, I’m jealous of my friends who are married and have kids. I’m jealous of my brother and his wife. I’m coming up on my 30th birthday and I have had three meaningful relationships in my life and nothing to speak of them except the experiences I gained from them. Which, sure, that’s important, but still.
My rational mind and therapist tell me that yes, those are invaluable lessons and that people are starting their lives later now. That it’s just not my time to be in a relationship and what have you, as I’m going through so many changes and I’m going to be in a completely different place in mind, body, and location in due time; so why would I enter a relationship with someone knowing all this? I get this, rationally.
Emotionally, is a completely different story. I miss the feeling of being held by a significant other. I miss the emotional, mental, and physical connection that comes from an intimate partner. Sometimes it’s debilitating. I think debilitating is too strong of a word, but it’s a strong feeling. I notice it more at night, when I’m not distracted by work and school.
I have so much going for me, a book in the works, a second book in concept, a burgeoning new company, I’m at the tail end of finishing my undergraduate degree and going to graduate school to follow my dreams. I’m making my dreams and passions come true, but they feel hollow sometimes. Am I being a whiny, ungrateful, privileged twat? Probably.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and this has no correlation with the “holiday” that is tomorrow. I’m the answer person. I’m who people come to for answers about life, about their problems. I don’t have an answer on how to make these feelings cease, or to make my rational brain and my emotional heart coexist.
What are your thoughts? Advice? I hate hearing things like “it’ll happen when you least expect it” or other canned responses like that, it doesn’t make it better. Leave your thoughts in the comment section here or on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr.
Hope you are all staying safe and warm (it’s fucking cold here). All my love,
Rivka
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/rivkaschrodt
Twitter: @rivkachrodt
My Journey 
February 14, 2016 at 2:05 pm
Rivka, what you are experiencing is not privileged, or whiny, or even (dare I say it) due to your personal circumstances. This is an enormous transition for you, and so enormous a change too. I, myself feel that way often times throughout my divorce. I know that no matter what this is the one and only (and therefore first) chance I get at making any and all life changing decisions. It is one million percent normal and more so, self-aware to feel frightened, alone, questioning, resistant, etc. But those feelings and only the answers you give yourself when you are awake at night letting them stew, will allow you to get the most out of any future relationships, and new life changing decisions you should face. You are the answer person because you do have a good head on your shoulders. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions, to turn them over in your mind’s eye, is what will make you a strong, emotionally mature woman. I am so proud of all of your strength thus far. You are an inspiration to others. Don’t be afraid to inspire yourself as well!
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